How does one learn to relate to ones inner darkness?
When I was about 13 years old, I thought of ending my life since I had lost all hope of an existence where happiness and love was the major ingredient.
I was being bullied for being different due to me questioning the existing morals, for being too skinny, too interested in school, liking other kinds of music and for dreaming of traveling the world.
My mother and father didn’t give me much support at the time since they were caught up with fighting a lot. My father was unfaithful and buried himself in work and on weekends with too many drinks. My mother fled into different spiritual searchings and artistic endeavors. My siblings were off to boarding school and only came home on weekends but was mainly focused on their life and friends.
Few saw me then. I found support and love in my animals and in creativity. I created plays, my own magazines, music, art pieces, dance choreography and I wrote my diary everyday. When I read it today, I saw how alone I was, how hurtful my surroundings were but also how much individuality, bravery and strength I had there and then.
There were moments where I planned how I would end my life. I tried once, but got saved by the phone. It was my grand mother. She said she had to call me since she had felt in her heart that I called for her.
I spoke to her then, she came and got me and I spent the night at her house. We played cards, talked and after that I have never tried to do that again.
She said to me that I had a light that could shine through darkness. That I should walk my own way and eventually I would find meaning and a a secure place in myself.
Since then I have always been intrigued by inner darkness since behind every dark emotion, thought or memory lies freedom and potential.
Here I am today, years into my life. Many lessons learned later and I love being who I am. I have become best friends with that little inventive, creative and sensitive girl. And I love her inner darkness, since that melancholic side of her is her biggest asset since she has been in total darkness and found her way out of it. Having that experience makes her such an interesting individual to hang out with.
She guides me; I guide myself. I trust my inner spirit since it has lead me to a very interesting life. And it keeps teaching me things and showing me more and more of the world and myself.
The path to self- love comes from moving through what we are most afraid of; facing our inner darkness.
I am so utterly grateful to my meditation practice for helping me through rough patches. And to my grandmother and for all the people that love me and cares for my well-being.
Thank you for leading me to choosing life over and over again.